HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and scrape the mud off on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fishstick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Obtain 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these, too, until 4:00am. Set the alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.