No Football Team Left Behind

The Federal government has announced that all high school football teams must meet "No Child Left Behind" legislation beginning next season.

1. No team will be declared a winner, as that will leave 50% of participants behind. All high schools will be divided into districts with eight teams per district. Every team must finish at least 3rd place to be proficient.

2. All teams must score at least 21 points, but no defense can allow more than 7 points.

3. No tournaments will be held as this would result in one champion. The BCS experimented with this concept this season in college football.

4. All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable. In a recent experiment, the University of Nebraska football program modeled this theory.

5. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time and in the same conditions. No exceptions for interest in football, desire in athletics, genetic abilities or disabilities.... ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL.

6. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own without instruction because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes that aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability, and whose parents don't like football.

7. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in 4th, 8th, and 11th grades.

8. This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child will be left behind.