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ORIGINAL HUMOR PAGES
MORGAN'S LAWS OF CLASSROOM DEMOGRAPHICS - BY JOHN F. MORGAN
For Teachers:
1. Given two classes in the same subject, one class will be inordinately small, the other inordinately large. Inherently, the larger class will also have the highest ratio of mentally challenged individuals and behavioral disabilities.
2. The smartest student in any given class will also be the smartest "Alec".
3. If any students harbor anger against other students, said anger brews all day contained and controlled, and erupts into violent behavior when the students reach your classroom.
4. Parents who show up to meet teachers at open house are always the angry ones. These parents always have students who never, and I mean never misbehave, and never will (in the eyes of the parents); it is simply poor teaching and poor teachers that hold their lovely love-crack-fetal-alcohol-syndrome child back.
5. Public law 94-142, when put into practice, translates into a ratio of ten to one: ten special needs students to every one unclassified student in your classroom. This is called inclusion.
6. Perfect lesson plans are always subject to the following interruptions:
A. Extraordinarily long announcements on the intercom.
B. Uncontrolled projectile vomiting, flatulence, profuse sweating, and feminine odors, sudden nosebleeds and other bleeding injuries.
C. Power outages and tornado drills.
D: Observations by principal visit put off another day.
E. Assemblies. Field trips.
F. lnfluenza or chicken pox epidemics.
7. Some classes will always come into the room ready to learn. Most classes pretend that they are victims of secret government education intervention plans which include odorless laughing gas, sleeping gas, etc.
8. The vision- and hearing-impaired students always make their way to the rear of the classroom where the sleeping-gas students sit quietly with them. All students with corrective lenses have lost or broken such devices.
9. A few years ago, the most common phrase in a student's vocabulary was "I can't". Through thorough and extensive vocabulary education in the middle grades, this phrase has been recently replaced with "I won't! You #@*∧!∧ }%")(~ ?;\\$@∧∧!!!"
10. Students who are cold-natured are always grouped with hot-natured students. Both groups are adamant, opinionated, and vocal when it comes to temperature control.
11. Intelligence-endowed individuals generally make fun of intelligence-deprived individuals. Students endowed with social skills make fun of the socially handicapped. Vertically endowed students trample the stature-impaired. Pigment-blessed students always belittle the pigment-deprived, and vice-versa.
-Copyright 1999 John F. Morgan
